What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
