you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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