He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
