I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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