One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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