I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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