That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
