Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
