I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you traded sex for a burrito?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
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you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
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Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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