Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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