so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
