Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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