She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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