do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
