I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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