Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
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I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
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how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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