Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
