I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
