I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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