Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i think im in europe. pls send help
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
