nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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