he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
