in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
