remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
