This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm like, not good at living.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
