Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I need to calm my uterus...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
