I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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