what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
