I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
