She is in my trunk
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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