Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
