Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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