M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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