I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
