Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
