I accidentally burped into my bong.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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