Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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