I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
please come you make the beer taste better
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My liver just had a heart attack.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
