but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
