i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
