my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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