Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
