So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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