So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
