This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
