So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
