Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
