she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
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my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
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Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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