If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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