I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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