This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
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I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
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I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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