Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
