why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
