Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
