So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My vagina is officially offended.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
