Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
