I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
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i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
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This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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