Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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