I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
