Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
